I seem to have a case of writer's block in getting started with this post! There's so much in these seven years it's hard to know how to put it together. There are external events - lots of lovely holidays for example! But what strikes me in summarising these years is the internal journey. I notice that this doesn't slow down as the years go by. Rather, it increases in depth and breadth.
The following Rilke poem and my journalling about it back then gives a feel for this chapter:
“I want to unfold.
Let no place in me hold itself closed,
for where I am closed I am false.
I want to stay clear in your sight.”
“I live my life in widening circles
that reach out across the world.
I may not complete this last one
but I give myself to it.
I circle around God, around the primordial tower.
I’ve been circling for thousands of years
and I still don’t know: am I a falcon,
a storm, or a great song?” Rilke
“Reflecting on Rilke's poem I had a lovely sense in the quietness, of God as the strong centre and the infinite circumference of whatever circle I am living. I had a sense of being joyfully swung round and round from the centre pole - while still firmly attached to it – in wider and wider circles but never being beyond the span of God’s extent. There was a vibrant, exultant freedom and delight in knowing that no matter where I spun out to, I was still held firmly in God." Written in 2007
In 2002 I started writing my book The Lost Art of Meditation. This was initiated by Scripture Union UK for whom I had been writing daily notes for some years. They noticed a contemplative and meditative style in my writing and asked for a book. It was published in 2003 and eventually had three printings, was also translated into Norwegian and used in a special edition for SIACS (South Asia Institute of Advanced Christian Studies) in India.
It is now out of print but still available as an e-book.
In 2004 we had two significant holidays. Early in the year Anthea and I walked the Abel Tasman track the "easy way" with bags taken on ahead to lodges where we had very comfortable accommodation and lovely food! The weather was good and the scenery magnificent.
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| Sheila and Anthea - committed trampers! |
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| Not us - but we did kayak for one of the three days of our hike. |
Then from 30th August to 10th October we did our OE! Singapore, Austria: Salzburg, Schloss Mittersill (conference and study centre); Italy: Siena; UK: Sth Wales (Risca), North Wales (St Beuno's), England (Derbyshire, London, Hampton Lucy, Cotswolds), Back to Singapore then home! So here are a few(!) pages re-photographed from my album:
In this "chapter of life" I was aware of being in Erikson's "generativity" stage of life. I enjoyed watching others take on events and roles that had previously been mine.
“I sense something about not needing special insights, feelings, words. It is as if the Spirit is gently telling me that at this stage of my journey these things are not needed. Rather, I am being taken to a deep, deep place of knowing that does not rely on any external markers. In that place I am held, whether I know it or not, by love, grace and fellowship. I no longer have to be the one who holds or searches or marks the way with signposts. I am just to be. And even if that sometimes feels empty or mundane or boring, I simply believe that I am held. – Without trying, without insight, without emotion."
I turned 60 in 2005. Anthea took me on a mystery trip north to Parua Bay and a visit to The Lion Man at Zion Gardens. (Pity that the Zion Gardens enterprise eventually ended sadly.)
“I sense something about not needing special insights, feelings, words. It is as if the Spirit is gently telling me that at this stage of my journey these things are not needed. Rather, I am being taken to a deep, deep place of knowing that does not rely on any external markers. In that place I am held, whether I know it or not, by love, grace and fellowship. I no longer have to be the one who holds or searches or marks the way with signposts. I am just to be. And even if that sometimes feels empty or mundane or boring, I simply believe that I am held. – Without trying, without insight, without emotion."
I turned 60 in 2005. Anthea took me on a mystery trip north to Parua Bay and a visit to The Lion Man at Zion Gardens. (Pity that the Zion Gardens enterprise eventually ended sadly.)
The day after my birthday I wrote:“Walking the beach this morning I had a feeling of my body being just a container for the Divine Life which fills the universe. It was one of those fleeting “mystical moments” that words can’t quite capture. It was as if I scooped up a jar full of sea water and said “In this jar is the sea.” True – but also so minutely representing what “the Sea” really is. My body is the human, fragile container – and when my body is no longer useful the contents will go back into the Ocean from whence they came. Mystery! Wonder!”
I summarized the year as: “Feeling more and more at home with mystery unlimited. Letting go of so much and simultaneously being connected to All. Hugely grateful for so many converging paths via books, CDs, Gangaji, movies, podcasts etc.” I hesitate to include the names and authors of books because over the years I have read so many I may not get them attached to right eras. But Henri Nouwen, Barbara Brown Taylor, Richard Rohr, Brian McLaren, Diarmund O'Murchu, Cynthia Bourgeault,... and of course many of the mystics of earlier times... no it's no good I'd have to itemise my whole library!
Over these years I am enjoying the freedom of "not knowing". Of being able to deconstruct some aspects of my theology without fear of losing anything essential. (Concentric Circles include and transcend what went before!)
“Knowledge always deceives.
It always limits truth,
every concept and image does.
From cage to cage the caravan moves,
but I give thanks for at each divine juncture
my wings expand and I touch him more intimately.”
- Meister Eckhart
I'm interested in how this quote picks up the "caravan of selves" title of this memoir - a lovely synchronicity!
Two more lovely holidays in 2006. I almost feel guilty at having so many wonderful holidays in this "chapter". But looking back it was a space of less structured commitments and good health and energy.
In NZ: Southland:
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| Larnoch Castle Dunedin |
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| Petrified wood Catlins coast |
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| So much unspoilt beauty! |
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| Mitre Peak Milford Sound |
In Australia: The Red Centre
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| I went with my friend Dawn from Brisbane (Note hat with fly protection!) |
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| Picture perfect! But it is the real thing not a painting! |
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| Hiking round King's Canyon |
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| Sunrise helicopter ride |
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| Uluru at sunrise from helicopter |
2007 was a significant year as I went to the Spiritual Directors' International conference in Vancouver where the speaker was Dr. Brian Swimme. This was an exhilarating and wonderful marker point in my expanding concentric circles. Brian Swimme used his Ten Powers of the Universe to communicate with passion his cosmology and spirituality.
When I wasn't away on all these holidays I was continuing my private practice of spiritual direction and supervision and involved in the SGM programme, running some retreats and speaking a couple of conferences. It wasn't all holiday!!
The whole conference was wonderful in many ways - the international mix of people, the workshops, the way it was run. It put my own journey here in "little NZ" within a broader family of like-minded people.
After the conference I went with Irene Alexander (who had invited me to go with her to the conference) to a beautiful retreat centre on Vancouver Island where she had friends.
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| The journey to Vancouver Island |
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| Arriving |
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| The retreat centre |
However, having said that, 2008 saw me off again to visit Dawn and her friend Ruth in Tasmania.
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| Ha ha! We chose the front row on the ferry before the bikes were loaded. |
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| Cradle mountain - many walking tracks |
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| The much maligned Tasmanian devil |
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| A friendly wombat! |
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| Interesting coastline |
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I'll end this chapter with a reflection I wrote in 2002 after reading this story from the 4th century Desert Fathers and Mothers:
Then Abba Lot went to see Abba Joseph and said to him, “Abba as far as I can I say my little office, I fast a little, I pray and meditate, I live in peace and as far as I can, I purify my thoughts. What else can I do?” then the old man stood up and stretched his hands towards heaven. His fingers became like ten lamps of fire and he said to him, “If you will, you can become all flame.”
My poem also relates to the book of Revelation 8:1-5 and writing it now (January 2020) it is sobering in light of the catastrophic fires in Australia.
If you wish you
can become all flame!
Silence in
heaven for half an hour
Then censers of
prayer and incense causing
earthquakes and
thunderclaps.
Who is this God
we so casually talk about?
How dare we play
with fire as if it were an interesting toy?
How dare we
speak so flippantly about our “images of God”
as if we decided
which one suits our fancy today.
Rain fire from
heaven to consume our paltry wonderings
into the
deafeningly silent wonder and awe of a nameless God
who destroys in
order to create!
Destroys words,
defies images in the silent flame of terrifying love.
Do I wish to be
all flame?
Yes – and no.
Candlelight is
more comforting.
