At the end of 1980 I had to decide whether to continue to do an MTh in the next two years.
It was a big decision and felt daunting especially alongside the teaching load I continued to carry. I chose a "thesis only" MTh which meant no preliminary papers with exams. My Thesis topic was: An Appraisal of Some Rogerian principles of Education in Light of Their Application to the Christian Education of Young Adults.
Although Carl Rogers is best known for his Person Centred Counselling work he also wrote several books on education from a similar "person centred" approach. His book Freedom to Learn (1969) had connected with my own explorations in my second year at teachers' college so this was a chance to delve deeper into my own educational philosophy.
I wrote to Rogers enquiring as to whether he saw a spiritual dimension to "educating the whole person" . He did reply - somewhat to my surprise. At the age of 82 and almost blind the letter was dictated but it was a thoughtful response. While not being comfortable with the language of "spirituality" he acknowledged that "... sometimes an intense personal relationship does seem to achieve a transcendent quality."
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| Title page of my MTh thesis and letter from Carl Rogers |
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| Finally MTh awarded 1982 |
1983 Appointed to the faculty of BCNZ.
At the end of 1982 I was offered a full time lecturing role at Bible College to teach Pastoral Care - along with other classes I had already been teaching at diploma level - Doctrine, NT, Communications, Christian Education. I was also a fieldwork supervisor, faculty advisor and counsellor!
It's no wonder I wrote in my journal: "Contemplative prayer and creative spirituality are what I keep longing for but I feel everyone wants a piece of me."
I really did enjoy teaching adults and I know it did it well. However, my journal often expressed the conflict I felt: "... I don't believe in a lecture style of teaching. I am in a system that focuses heavily on head knowledge and gives grades/exams etc. Yet my philosophy is opposed to that. I am in a system which gives me classes of 50 - 100 students with pastoral care responsibilities as well and therefore frustrates my desire to teach and pastor in an in-depth individual way."
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| Faculty retreat |
During this year Mum developed breast cancer. That was a great shock of course. She was 73. She had a mastectomy and recovered without the need for chemotherapy.
1984 -1985
Looking back I think these were years of both "mid-life crisis" and "faith stage crisis". I moved into a staff flat and settled into my faculty role and lecturing with outward success and genuine enjoyment.
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| New settler women's ministry |
As well as all that was good and fruitful in these years, my journal revealed a lot of loneliness at the deepest level and times of underlying depression. I had some counselling which was helpful but the real "shift" for me was hearing about spiritual direction and retreats.
I had already been deeply enriched by reading books by (mostly Catholic) writers which opened up a whole arena of a more contemplative way of living and praying. Then in 1985 I connected with a spiritual director for myself. Clare O'Connor was (and is) a Cenacle sister and her companionship enabled me to explore and embrace more fully the core contemplative self that was part of me from my childhood. (see Chapter 2 of this Caravan of Selves series.) My journal also notes that I was beginning to question whether Christianity was "the only way". I don't think I expressed that thought to anyone.
In August 1985 I went on my first seven day silent retreat at Marcellin Hall (which has since been demolished and turned into park land). It was one of the early Spiritual Growth Ministry retreats. I remember feeling that I had "come home" in this atmosphere of silence and contemplative space with daily communion and daily spiritual direction. Anne Hadfield was my director on this retreat.
12th September 1985 was my 40th birthday. I spite of the mid-life/faith stage shifts going on I wrote that I was grateful and happy and felt life was opening up in a positive way.
I wrote: "For all that has been thanks! For all that's to come Yes!" Dag Hammarskjold
Song of Songs 2:10-13"
And: "A goal emerges: I want to invest my life in the lives of others promoting their growth through counselling/spiritual direction/supervision.”
1986 - 1987 Turbulent times
This began as a more settled time of teaching, speaking at various events and living in the community of single women in "staff flats" - or "petticoat lane" as we called it! Now I was earning a salary I began wondering about buying my own home but that still felt well out of reach.
During this time I was invited to be on the team running SGM retreats. I felt privileged to be invited since I had no specific spiritual direction training. However, it seemed a natural extension of my other training and experience. I loved this work! It felt somehow "what I was made for".
My dis-ease about an over-busy workload and an academic lecture-style of teaching continued to rumble beneath the surface. In July 1987 I wrote a resignation letter and delivered it to the Principal David Stewart. I also verbally told most faculty members. I don't remember the details of what followed but I was persuaded instead to take study leave in 1988 and discern then whether to return or leave. I had in fact been teaching at BCNZ for 9 years by now (four of which had been combined with my BTh and MTh studies) so some study leave was due!
Also in 1987 Mum had her first stroke. I was very grateful for my sister and brother and spouses who lived close by and took very good care of her - as did the lovely people at Woodlands retirement village in Waikanae where she had sensibly chosen to move in 1986.
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| 5 Robin Place, Woodands. Merrie and Gwenyth outside Mum's apartment. |
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| Gwenyth, Merrie and Mum on her first day at Woodlands. |
visiting a Baptist monastic (yes!) community in Geelong, Melbourne; then some time studying the history of spiritual streams under the supervision of Jim Houston at Regent College Vancouver and finally a three month training in spiritual direction at St Beuno's Jesuit spirituality centre in North Wales. This included a thirty day silent Ignatian retreat.
The Jesuit spirituality centre piece really set the cat among the pigeons among the faculty at BCNZ. Several thought I had lost the plot or gone "beyond the pale" - in other words I was now outside the boundaries of the conservative evangelical theology that BCNZ stood for. One representative of faculty was sent to convey this to me! I was utterly devastated.
I knew at the deepest part of myself that this was the next step for me but to have my colleagues doubting the heart of my faith was excruciating. I spent three days crying and unable to work. There were two or three faculty who stood by me even if they didn't fully understand. To be honest I didn't fully understand either! It was just one of those "I know I have to do this whatever the consequences" times. So after another very awkward meeting with the faculty I was free to follow my plan with the proviso that during that time I would decide if I really "belonged" in the BCNZ ethos.
